A Creamed Corn Christmas
by Dragon Mistress
Summary: Something weird happens to the Marauders during the Christmas holidays. What is it? And are the Slytherins to blame? Please read, I'm told it's hilarious.


Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters!   
  
Notes: This takes place during the Marauders' sixth year at Hogwarts!  
  
Warnings: There is some slight Remus/Sirius slash here! Be warned!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
A Creamed Corn Christmas  
  
"AAAUUGHHH!!!!"  
  
A scream of horror echoed around the Gryffindor common room as the portrait hole opened and Sirius Black stumbled in. Everyone fell silent, except for James Potter, who asked, "Sirius, what's wrong?"  
  
Sirius' eyes were wide with horror and he seemed to be having trouble speaking. His mouth opened and closed several times, but no noise came out. Everyone was frankly surprised that Sirius' long black hair hadn't gone white, he looked so scared.  
  
James took Sirius by the shoulders and gave him a shake. "Hullo, Earth to Sirius, do you read me? What's wrong?"  
  
"The.. the.... Slytherins..."  
  
"Slytherins certainly are ugly enough to scare anyone that bad," said Remus, calmly going back to his Transfiguration essay.  
  
"What about the Slytherins?" James asked, very worried now. He had thought nothing could ever scare Sirius Black. What had the Slytherins done that was *that* horrible?  
  
Sirius cleared his throat, swallowed hard, and whispered, "Snape's Gang is staying for Christmas this year."  
  
"No!" James yelped in fear. Peter squeaked and toppled out of his chair, and Remus jumped, blotting his homework. "This isn't happening!" James moaned, as he and Sirius sank to the floor.   
  
"A whole *two weeks* of being alone in the castle with Snape, Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle?" Peter whispered from the floor. "That's hell on Earth."  
  
"I know," moaned Sirius. "I'm not leaving this tower until January."  
  
"We'll have to at some point," Remus pointed out, reasonable and practical as always. "We have to *eat*.... and shower, too...."  
  
"I think I'd rather be smelly and starving," Sirius said stubbornly.  
  
Remus sighed. "Am I the only intelligent one around here?" he wondered, and seized the backs of Sirius and James' robes, pulling them to their feet. "Look, you prats, we're stuck here with Snape's Gang, but think reasonably - we *can* avoid them in this *ENORMOUS* castle most of the time. We'll only have to see them at meals."  
  
"Looking at them might put me off my food," James grumbled, sitting back down in his chair.   
  
Peter emerged from under the table, shaking slightly. "I agree."  
  
Remus gave them a Patented Scary Werewolf Glare, which shut them up. "Very good. Now, if you don't mind, I want to finish my Transfiguration homework," he said, tapping his wand against his paper to clear away the ink blots.  
  
But Sirius was not so easily convinced. "But, but, but - Remus, I'll have to eat *Christmas Dinner* right within view of that greasy-haired git, Snape!"  
  
The werewolf raised an eyebrow at his friend. "You eat in the same room with him every day. What's so different about it?"  
  
"I usually have a wall of Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws in the way," Sirius grumbled.   
  
Peter looked as uncertain as James and Sirius. "This is going to be the worst Christmas ever...."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
To their surprise, the Marauders found it quite easy to avoid Snape's Gang, a fact they found extremely odd - they thought Snape and his cronies would have tracked them down in order to make their lives miserable. Remus began wearing an I-told-you-so look that irritated the other Marauders to no end. But even stranger, Snape and his gang didn't even say anything rude to the Marauders at mealtimes, a fact even Remus couldn't explain. Instead, Snape, Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle sat with their heads close together, muttering to each other. Sometimes one of them would glance at the Gryffindor table with a smirk, but would turn away before Sirius could even make a rude gesture at them.   
  
"I wonder what those slimy gits are up to," James mumbled under his breath.   
  
"They look like they're having a serious discussion," Peter suggested timidly. "Maybe they're planning something?"  
  
Sirius snorted into his beef stew. "Oh, please," he said, rolling his eyes. "They don't have the brains."  
  
"I don't know...." Remus said slowly, staring thoughtfully at Snape's Gang. "They look pretty involved, don't they? I wonder...."  
  
James shrugged. "It might not even have anything to do with us, anyway," He said. "They're probably trying to figure out how to overthrow the Minister of Magic or something."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
The next night was Christmas Eve, and the Marauders were in the Gryffindor common room, finishing up some over-the-holidays work and listening to some of Sirius' Beatles albums. They were the only Gryffindors left; not even James' girlfriend Lily had stayed at Hogwarts for Christmas.   
  
"You have got to admit, this is extremely relaxing," said Remus, who was sitting on the floor in front of the fire with Sirius' head on his lap. "Not so much noise as always." He looked down at Sirius, who had fallen asleep, and groaned. "He'll drool all over my robes..." Remus grumbled.  
  
"Well then, that's your own fault, isn't it?" James said. "Don't let him sleep in your lap next time." He paused, than said abruptly, "I'd still like to know what Snape's Gang is up to."  
  
"Are you still on about that?" Remus asked him. "If they were planning to do something rotten to us, don't you think they would have done it to us already?"   
  
"I suppose...." James sighed.  
  
"Cheer up," Peter said to him. "Tomorrow's Christmas, after all! Think about presents, or the feast, or something."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
The next morning, James and Peter were awakened by Sirius shouting, "Oi! Presents!" as he climbed out of Remus' bed. As always, James and Peter ignored the fact that Sirius and Remus had shared a bed again (*NOT* in that way, you perverts, they were only *SLEEPING*), and began opening their presents.  
  
"Ugh, look at this," Peter said. "This" was an ugly, putrid olive-green sweater with orange puffballs on it. "I swear, my aunt is color-blind. She makes the *ugliest* sweaters for me every year."  
  
By now, the other Marauders were used to Auntie Pettigrew's disgusting sweaters, and Peter's complaints, so they didn't say anything. Instead, Sirius was opening his present from Remus - a box of dog cookies. He growled at Remus, who laughed like a madman, but managed to gasp, "Look *inside* the box!"   
  
Sirius did, and inside was a book called "When Muggle Music Meets the Wizarding World". He scowled, but he was still pleased. "I swear, Moony, you'll never stop teasing me about liking Muggle music," Sirius grumbled.  
  
After opening the rest of their presents, the Marauders intended to go downstairs to the common room for some games of Wizard's Chess. "Now remember, winner of the first game plays last week's champion..." James instructed as they bounded down the stairs. Peter, of course, being the clumsy one, tripped and knocked all the others down the stairs.  
  
*SPLAT*.  
  
They landed in something squishy and revolting.  
  
"Auugh!" Sirius yelped, flailing his arms, sending a mysterious yellow goo flying around the room. "What *is* this?!"  
  
Peter surfaced from underneath the goo. "I think... it's ... CREAMED CORN!!!" He sputtered. James and Remus stood up too, and wiped the goo out of their eyes.  
  
The entire Gryffindor common room was full of, as Peter said, *CREAMED CORN*! The Marauders were sinking in it as they spoke. "Ack! SWIM!" yelled James, and they struggled to swim through the creamed corn, trying to get to the portrait hole. It sucked at them like quicksand.  
  
"It's no use!" Remus wailed. "We'll have to *EAT* our way out!"  
  
Sirius took a huge bite. "ACH! It's *TERRIBLE*!" he yelped after spitting it out.  
  
Peter chewed thoughtfully, treading water- err, corn as he did. "I dunno. It tastes okay to me."  
  
Remus managed to hoist himself onto the mantelpiece, his feet dangling only an inch away from the sea of creamed corn. James pulled himself up too. Sirius floundered in the creamed corn, while Peter continued to "tread corn" and eat.   
  
"Ahhh! Help!" Sirius wailed, waving his hand in the air. Remus grabbed hold of his hand, and James flung his arms around Remus' waist to keep him from falling back in.  
  
"I'll never let you go, Sirius!" Remus said dramatically, but Sirius was too heavy for him, and he did let go.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" wailed Sirius, as he began sinking again. "Heeeeeelllllp meeeeee!"   
  
"I'll save you, love!" Remus yelled, and dove back into the corn, pulling James with him. "Here I coooooooooome!"  
  
"Pppphhtthhpht!" James sputtered, coming up for air. "R- R- *choke* *cough* - REMUS! Don't *DO* that!!!!!!"  
  
Peter squeaked in fear and shielded his eyes from a splash of creamed corn as Remus resurfaced, pulling a barely-conscious Sirius with him."Almost there!" he shouted, pointing to the portrait hole. Somehow, the Marauders used all their strength to pull themselves (and Sirius) through the last of the creamed corn and out into the safety of the hallway.  
  
The Fat Lady looked flabbergasted as she swung shut. "What *happened*?" she asked them.  
  
Remus slumped to the floor, cradling Sirius in his arms. "Creamed...... corn......"  
  
Peter was looking a tad green in the face. "I'll never eat creamed corn ever, ever again," he vowed.  
  
Sirius stirred and spat out a mouthful of creamed corn. "The Slytherins...." he mumbled.  
  
James' eyes widened. "Why didn't we see it before! Snape's Gang! This must have been what they were planning!!"  
  
Remus' head snapped up. "Of course! Boy, are we dense!"  
  
James growled. "Oooooooooh, that Snape..... I could *kill* him!" He looked over at Sirius and Peter. "Are you two okay?"  
  
Peter nodded weakly, but Sirius didn't answer. Instead, a terrible grin was spreading across his face, and devil horns were curling up from under his hair, anime-style. "I've had an idea...." he sniggered.  
  
"What is it?" Remus asked warily.  
  
Sirius held up one finger. "Wait here."  
  
He returned three minutes later holding a can. He held it out so they could read the label - "Creamed Beets".  
  
"Yes," he said proudly as his friends looked up at him, puzzled. "Creamed Beets."  
  
"Er - where did you *find* those?" Remus asked.  
  
Sirius grinned even more broadly. "There was an entire Dumpster full outside of the kitchens."  
  
James, Peter, and Remus' eyes widened as they realized the implications of this. "So they're... they're..." Peter whimpered.  
  
Sirius winked, and tapped his wand against the can. It burst open, and a truly disgusting smell reached their noses.   
  
"*ALL* of the cans are *RANCID*," he announced.  
  
The other three Marauders began to grin too, and devil horns like Sirius' curled up from under their hair. It could all be summed up by one simple equation :   
  
Rancid 'Creamed Beets' + Snape's Gang = Happiness  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Severus Snape led the way down from the dorm to the Slytherin common room, clutching a bag of Dungbombs. Lucius Malfoy followed next, then came Crabbe, then Goyle.   
  
"Potter and his friends won't know what hit them," Snape sneered.  
  
Just then (being the clumsy one), Goyle stumbled and knocked them all down the stairs.  
  
*SPLAT*.  
  
They landed in something squishy and revolting.  
  
"Auugh!" Snape yelped, flailing his arms, sending a mysterious puce goo flying around the room. "What *is* this?!"  
  
Lucius surfaced from underneath the goo. "I think... it's ... CREAMED BEETS!!!" He sputtered. Crabbe and Goyle stood up too, and wiped the goo out of their eyes.  
  
The entire Slytherin common room was full of, as Lucius said, *CREAMED BEETS*! Snape's Gang was sinking in it as they spoke. "Ack! SWIM!" yelled Snape, and they struggled to swim through the creamed beets, trying to get to the stretch of bare wall that was the hidden entrance. It sucked at them like quicksand.  
  
"It's no use!" Lucius wailed. "We'll have to *EAT* our way out!"  
  
Snape took a huge bite. "ACH! It's *TERRIBLE*!" he yelped after spitting it out.  
  
Crabbe chewed thoughtfully, treading water- err, beets as he did. "I dunno. It tastes okay to me."  
  
Outside the Slytherin common room, the Marauders burst into hysterical laughter as they heard Snape's enraged voice, "THESE BEETS ARE *RANCID*!!!!"  
  
"That was pure genius," Remus snickered as they crept back to their common room.   
  
"One of the Marauders' finest pranks," James said dreamily.  
  
When they got back, it was to find that the common room was completely free of any trace of creamed corn (thanks to Mr. Filch, and Mrs. Skower's Magical Mess Remover). The same was soon to be said of the Marauders - they headed off to the bathroom and began singing Christmas carols very loudly (and badly) as they showered.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Professor McGonagall was thoughtfully watching the house-elves preparing Christmas dinner.   
  
"Albus," she asked Dumbledore, who was standing next to her, "Weren't we supposed to get a rather large shipment of creamed corn to go with dinner?"  
  
Dumbledore nodded. "Yes, Minerva, but I just received an owl about that. It appears the shipment was lost en route.... the caterer thinks the shipment may have been accidentally sent to the wrong place....."  
  
THE END!  
  



End file.
